when are you going to learn

Yes, I’m doing it again. Trying to ween myself off of my meds. These are the reasons/justifications/excuses:
1. my insurance lapses soon. All i have to do is be off of my meds for 6 months, then it is not considered a pre-existing condition. this is not confirmed but it’s what i tell myself.
2. i don’t feel creative when i’m on antidepressants. this makes me want to bullet in my skull. kinda counteracts the whole meds thing.
3. i want to drink. and its not good for your liver to drink and take meds.
4. i’m in therapy and how can i deal with my problems if i am masking them with medication?
5. i hate getting my prescriptions filled. i hate what it costs, i hate the smug pharmacist assistants, i hate the sick-people germs that linger on the counter.

I’ve had maybe 2 pills in 2 weeks. I’m not sure if its out of my system. I am sure that I cry during commercials, oprah, stupid movies like runaway bride and talent shows. Yes. Its gotten THAT bad. i think i can do this. we’ll see.

murderer’s choice

So I just read an article about Johanna Justin-Jinich, a promising junior at Wesleyen, who was killed by a stalker. And I can’t help but think: Why don’t people like me—people with no promise, no future, a thick suicidal streak, and neglectful parents— get murdered by stalkers? It’s sad that the good ones, the ones with a bright future, have to go. I felt the same sentiments when I heard about the death of Eve Carson, the UNC student who was (according to the AP):

a prestigious Morehead-Cain scholar and a North Carolina Fellow, taking part in a four-year leadership development program for undergraduates. A premed student, she majored in political science and biology, taught science at a Chapel Hill elementary school, studied abroad in Cuba and spent summers volunteering in Ecuador, Egypt and Ghana as part of a school program.

Her’s wasn’t a stalker but some random thugs who chose to rob her and then shoot her several times; a bullet to the temple finally silencing her screams. How horrifying. Too bad these killers don’t have a loser-list to choose from, so they could eliminate only those of us that will never be missed.

But then I had an idea. Maybe we (the worthless ones) are murdered all the time! Perhaps because we are so pathetic, it is never reported on…because, well, who cares, right? It’s not like CNN reports on campus vigils, mourning inspiring dead people, every day. Inspirational types probably get picked off maybe once or twice a year.  But we can bet that some hapless unknown’s murder is being ignored by the news media all the time. Probably at this very moment.

I don’t know why but this comforts me.

Time to feed the dog.

where was i?

Today is the beginning of everything. I just graduated from college. For the second time. I’m 35. No, no advanced degrees for me. I just keep piling on the undergraduate ones. Which seems impossible or at the very least doesn’t make any sense (or cents) since i’ve graduated. There should be an overgraduated degree. That I would qualify for.

Other things to catch you up on me: My sister is bipolar. My dog is underweight. I might have a drinking problem. It’s more like a thinking problem, really. My mother has a personality disorder called Avoidant. I have a boyfriend. Which, at my age, is a ridiculous term. I have no children. because i don’t want any. I’m terribly underpaid. My father is dead. My boyfriend is 6 years younger than me. Does this make me a cougar? I hate that word.

I need to paint. I need to write. And I need to lose weight. Because i want to look like nicole richie pre-baby. Does this require cocaine use? I hope not.

umm

yes. soon.